If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
