im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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