Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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