so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
