OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The air was thick with penises
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
