U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
