Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
