dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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