I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
