Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
