i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
