I'm gonna have a badass scar
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
