Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
