my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
