Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
