hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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