he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
