Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
