And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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