My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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