My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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