and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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