"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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