he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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