That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
