Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
