my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
