eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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