mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
