I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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