He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He passed out mid-signature
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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