if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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