I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
