I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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