you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
