I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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