Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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