i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
