so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
