My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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