so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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