I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
