Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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