Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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