Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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