i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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