You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
