headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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