if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
