I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
two words: eviction party
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
