I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
