Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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