Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
